Future Polluters of Air, Land and Water Planning Big Election Celebration; Supreme Court to Rule All Health Care Unconstitutional . . .. . . . . .

And Other News That Didn’t Happen, But Could Have

At its plush Washington D. C. headquarters the American Society of Future Polluters began planning for the expected victory of Mitt Romney and the full Republican takeover of the Congress.  A spokesperson for the organization said that they did not expect to need new legislation, because a complete abdication of federal regulation of the environment would take place soon after Mr. Romney was inaugurated. 

The group said it was planning a January 21, 2013 ceremony whereby 10,000 pounds of toxic waste would be dumped into the headwaters of the Mississippi River to commemorate their victory over future generations who wanted clean air, clear water and clean earth at the expense of jobs and money for the current generation.  Attendance at the ceremony would be limited to the first 500 Republican officials, each of whom would be given a check for $100,000, suitable for framing or cashing, to mark the event.

A leak from the Supreme Court confirmed that when the Justices rule on the Obama health care law later this month they will declare all forms of health care Unconstitutional.  The Justices are expected to conclude that since health care is not mentioned or described in the Constitution, the Founding Fathers intended for no one to have health care in the United States and that providing health care to anyone was a violation of their basic rights. 

One exception that the Court is expected to allow is that health care can be provided to any individual with a net worth in excess of $1 million.  Justice Scalia will reveal how James Madison has told him that the Constitution envisioned no restrictions on the activities of wealthy people, and that provision would have been actually written into the Constitution if only all of the delegates had not voted against it.

In a bid to appeal to the nostalgia voters a group of Conservatives have said that they will bring back the House Un-American Activities Committee and investigate people who have committed what the Committee members conclude are un-American activities.  When asked what those activities might be, one House member said that they would be defined later, but that driving with an Hispanic name, being a member of a public employee credit union, and actively working against the repeal of the Estate Tax would be likely categories.

In a nod towards political correctness the motto of the Committee will not be “Bring Back the Blacklist” but “Bring Back the Non-Caucasian List”.  The Committee expects that change alone will satisfy and silence its critics.

A proposal to revise the Earned Income Tax Credit to apply its provisions only to people making in excess of $500,000 a year is being considered as part of the Republican Party platform. 

A group of Conservative Republican Economists sent an open letter to Nobel Prize winning New York Times columnist Paul Krugman asking that he refrain from using facts and logic and data in his condemnation of their proposals.  “We need to be on an even playing field” said the letter “and your continued use of empirical methods gives you too great an advantage”. 

The Conservative led government in Britain today acknowledged that it was a wholly owned subsidiary of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation.  Conservatives said the Mr. Murdoch had promised to pay a fair price for a friendly take over of the government, and that as far as the Conservative party was concerned his word was good.  The junior members of the coalition, the Liberal Democrat party agreed to go along with the plan when they were promised that one of their members would get to be Assistant Secretary to the Under Secretary for Icelandic Affairs. 

China has made a pre-emptive bid to have all trademark and intellectual property rights to the term “capitalism”.  If the bid is accepted the Chinese have indicated they will retire the name capitalism and replace it with the term “Chinese Communism” since the two terms have become equivalent in recent years.  A small group of government officials have been selected to fix Chairman Mao’s corpse, as reports have been confirmed that several years ago he did turn over in his grave.