Exclusive: Paul Manaforr's Defense Attorney Explains His Defense

Real Fake News Found Nowhere Else (Because It's Fake!)

With the publication of the indictment against former Trump campaign chairman and all around clean money guy Paul Manafort and his trust sidekick, Rick Gates we now know the alleged inner workings of an alleged money laundering and tax evasion and plot to evade foreign registration laws. Here exclusively (because we made it up) is how Manafort intends to defend himself, as put out in a statement by his attorney, the Honorable Horatio O. Hornblower.

Statement by Mr. Hornblower:

First of all let me address all of the bank accounts Mr. Manafort opened in Cypress. Those accounts were not opened for the purpose of money laundering, they were opened to get the free appliances that Mr. Manafort needed for his home. For example, one account promised a two slice automatic toaster for an initial deposit of $15,000,000.00 along with free parking. A second bank enabled Mr. Manafort to get a blender and drink recipe book, and he really needs that drink recipe book now. Also Mr. Manafort got a can opener , a set of encyclopedias and a coupon good for buy one, get one free for a Big Mac.

As you can see this means there is ample evidence that Mr. Manafort had a legitimate reason for opening those accounts and that he did not do so to launder money for Russians or Ukrainians. These appliances are on display at his condo in Brooklyn for anyone to see, and in fact that is why the FBI raided his house several months ago as they wanted to see first hand the deluxe blender.

Now a lot has been made about Mr. Manafort's failure to disclose the foreign bank accounts. His defense here is that he really thought Cypress was part of the United States, and an expert from Trump University will testify that he told Paul that exact thing. The fact the Paul needed a translator to do business with the banks is justified by his belief that they had been staffed by illegal immigrants.

Now the fact that Paul did not register as a foreign agent is easily explainable by the fact that he did try to register one Sunday in late July in 2014. The office was closed that day, so he went back on Labor Day, Thanksgiving Day and even disrupted his Christmas Day celebrations to try and register, but every day the offices were closed. So he naturally assumed that registration was no longer required since if it was the office would have been open.

Mr. Manafort did mislead banks on his loan applications, but heck, who does exagerate their financial situation when applying for a loan. No harm, no foul. And Paul told Donnie all of this so there would be no problems when he took over the campaign. Not only did Donnie not mind he asked Paulie to explain how all the laundering was done to Jared.